In my last post, I revealed a malady brought on by the stress and anxiety of living a lie. As promised, here’s the explanation:
Loveable children’s favorite, and possible body art subject.
In a previous post, Bees and Calligraphy, I wrote the following about bees:
They make honey, that sweet nectar byproduct without which Pooh Bear would have never gotten his head caught in a honey pot, in that…
Something is a bit off.
I seem to be suffering from some mysterious medical condition.
The symptoms are myriad:
- Runny nose.
- Headaches in my stomach.
- Stomach aches in my head.
- Squirrels steal my mail and replace it with half eaten nuts.
- Everything smells like fear.
- Everything tastes like pine cones.
- Pine cones taste like pickled beets (but they smell like fear).
Useless knowledge when you’re about to be cut.
This occurred while I was working as a quality control inspector at a steel coating plant near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I was sitting at my desk filling out paperwork–paperwork that I’m sure was vital to the daily functioning of the plant, and not be interrupted–when the crane operator, Jim, burst into the office.
“We have a problem,” he barked.
An avid reader of idiotrufs, and quite possibly the author.
Are you sick of taglines? Too bad.
I’ve decided to rotate taglines starting with what seemed to be the favorite from the previous list: Read by four out of five drunken monkeys–written by the fifth.
I deeply appreciate the comparison to a drunken monkey.
Some more taglines for your consideration, amusement or scorn.
I have never written more beautiful or poignant words. I’m starting to get all misty-eyed.
I think I may have a bright future in inspirational writing.
Special thanks to The Phil Factor, whose post, Top Ten Tuesdays! My Top Ten Blogging Pet Peeves, gave me the nudge I needed to pursue this new path.
Because they haunt your dreams.
“Striving every day to do the least idiotic thing possible, generally failing.”
The above statement has been the tagline of this blog since its inception–sadly, it’s also been the guiding principle of my life–but it feels as if it’s time for a change. (For the tagline, my life’s a irreparable heap.)
So I’ve decided to try out a few alternatives:
You’re not related to these men, you should be so lucky.
So you think your family reunions are miserable?
I’m referring to those occasions that include grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, creatures who claim to be cousins, but who you could swear are really albino trolls, in-laws, out-laws, felons, significant others, insignificant others, the cast of that creepy movie The Others
Experts tell us that hiccups are a myoclonus of the diaphragm, that results in an abrupt rush of air into the lungs. You get them when the vagus nerve, which runs from the brain to the abdomen, is irritated. They are most commonly the result of digestive disturbances.
Well that’s just crazy talk–everyone knows hiccups are caused by gremlins.
There are a lot people out there who will tell you that…
Post with 1 note
In my spare time I like to improve my yodeling.
First a few personal facts regarding the differences between bees and calligraphy:
- I have never been stung in the face by calligraphy.
- I have never gotten a D on an art project written in bee.
Good things about bees:
- If you don’t happen to have any Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants, Africanized killers bees will work in a pinch.
- It is hysterical…
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